Blame It On The Genius

Amidst a low and dark time in my life, I happened upon my passion for photography. Almost six years later, I find myself making the nerve-racking leap to not only pursue a career as an artist, but to also forgo the securities of a job and venturing into the world of entrepreneurship.

Some people are really creative, their process almost paranormal. Some people are really smart and have a good hold on how to tread through the rest of their lives. I am neither.

I once took a left-brain vs right-brain test and I registered as 47% left-brained and 53% right-brained. A bit of a right brain dominance, but not by much at all... I would say the test is bang on. Being almost as logical, realistic and analytical as I am creative, fantastical and free-spirited has definitely been a blessing at times; yet it has also been a source of much frustration. It often leaves me feeling like I may be good at many things but not excellent at any one thing.

I have gotten so much support and encouragement from family and friends, even strangers. Yet some days, I am just ridden with self doubt. I know the saying "I am my own worst critic" way too well. The voices in my head can really put a damper on my confidence.

For years, I have let these frustrations and insecurities hold me back from taking the plunge. A full time job, school and the general busy-ness of life competed for time and energy. Fear of failure paralyzed me and what seemed like an irresponsible decision of possibly putting our finances in jeopardy by becoming self-employed laid on the guilt for pursuing my dreams.

Becoming pregnant a couple of years ago was great news in more ways than just the obvious. Right away, I thought that being on maternity leave would be my opportunity to plan for a career switch. However, nine months into the leave, I haven't done anything. I can't believe I was actually considering going back to work! Somehow, that just felt wrong.

I may be really late at starting what I should have months ago, but there really was no other choice... not if I were to be true to myself, and be able to look Maddi in the eye when one day, I tell her to follow her dreams because she can do whatever she sets her mind to.

Taking this leap definitely makes me tremendously excited, but I'm also scared shitless! So how to cope with the negative chatter in my head and the pressure?

I heard Elizabeth Gilbert on a TED Talk shortly after her worldwide bestselling book Eat, Pray, Love came out and propelled her onto the world stage. She shared that prior to the renaissance, people believed that artists had geniuses that lived within their studios and collaborated with them to produce their art.

It is not the most scientific approach for the 21st century, but it does create that safe distance which protects the artist. Artists were protected from an inflated ego because they can't take full credit for brilliant work, since everybody knew they had the help of a genius. On the other hand, producing crappy work wasn't entirely their fault either because everybody knew their genius was a bit lame.

I need to keep reminding myself that I just need to keep showing up for my part of the job. I know it'll take time before my craft catches up to my taste. Until then, just blame it on the genius and keep giving it everything I've got.

‘Ole!’ to you, just for having the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up.”
- Elizabeth Gilbert